"Faith"

It's late (or super-early, depending on your point of view), which generally means I get distracted thinking about some random thing that may or may not turn out to be earth-shatteringly deep. If it gets too entrenched in my mind, I blog about it so I can get it out of my system and get (hopefully) a little more in the direction of bed. Tonight my distraction was the word "faith." I typed it into my iTunes, and let it bring up all the songs with that word in the title. The playlist was surprisingly short, considering how much music I have. Only 9 songs appeared. Of these nine, 3 were different versions of "O Come All Ye Faithful." The rest of the list was diverse enough to be a little ridiculous. So of course I proceeded to listen to all of them. Many deep thoughts ensued, which meant I went back for a second listen, and am now on my third. Bed is nowhere in sight, so I guess I'd better ramble for a bit.

First up is a British choral version of "O Come All Ye Faithful." Beautiful and very traditional. The only instrumental accent is an organ, which joins in halfway through. The second verse is different than the one I know, but it's something about shepherds. The way I viewed the song got me thinking about the way I view faith sometimes. It's nice, but hard to understand. A bit of a tradition that I get out for special occasions, like church. I don't always feel like it fits with everyday life. It feels old and ... well, traditional. I associate it with old people singing things they don't understand. I wonder if faith, like songs, gets ignored because the image we have of it is so familiar--and rather ineffective.

That leads into the second song. "Faith Somehow" by a band called Human Condition. They have a more modern, potentially more realistic (for some people) view on life. This song is full of lines like, "I know it's selfish but I can't explain how You live in me, but I still feel pain." It basically talks about how life is hard and confusing and depressing, but there's not necessarily any real reason for it. There's a lot of guilt. "I've been walking lonely streets instead of quiet time alone with You." It talks about how hard it is to go through all the forms of being a Christian that we are taught are "the right way" to do things. There's a desire for a deeper relationship with God, or at least some comfort from Him, but a disconnect as to how to get there. I've been in this place very often, and I think if I sang about it my music would sound about the same as this does.

The third song is another rendition of "O Come All Ye Faithful," but this time it's in German. It's a bit more dissonant to my ears than the wonderful British version was, but it's still bearable ... and definitely familiar. I wonder if the idea of "faith" feels like this to some people: you have a general idea of what it's supposed to be about, but there's something missing for you. You know the "tune" and can hum along, but there's no deeper meaning that you can grasp. It's just an exercise. There have been times I've felt that way about it.

Fourth song: "Window of Faith" by a band called Monolithic. If you're not in my immediate family and you've heard of them, I'm impressed. I haven't listened to all the words closely, but the chorus starts off, "There's a window of faith in my mind today." The tone seems cautiously optimistic, but at the same time there isn't a clear understanding of what faith is or how it works. Coupling this with the second song in this list, I come up against the sort of vague notion I remember feeling a lot growing up: faith is something you have to work at. We don't know exactly what it is, but it's good for you and it makes you a good Christian and it keeps you fairly happy with God and with yourself. Sometimes faith gets you things you want. On days when you're doing well, you have a lot of faith. On days when you aren't feeling so hot, you probably did something wrong (like let go of your faith) and you just need to hold on tighter. The problem is that somehow, this subtly makes it about *me* and how good a job *I'm* doing.

Fortunately, the fifth song is "Great is Your Faithfulness" by the Newsboys. This one talks about how God is the one who's faithful to keep loving us and helping us out, no matter what we do (or don't do). "Great is Your faithfulness to carry on with a sinner like me." I find this one comforting and extremely centering. (Fittingly, it's also in the center of this playlist.) "Your grace has never let me be; Your mercy's waited paitiently."

Like the spiritual pendulum I often am, the sixth song swings back and forth between both extremes: there are wonderful things about us Christians (and about being a Christian); and some pretty terrible things, too. It's actually an accident that this song is in here. The title, according to iTunes, is "With the Tired Eyes of Faith," but it has misread the CD. This is actually the song that occurs *before* on the same album. It's called "Glorious Dregs" by a rather odd band called The Swirling Eddies. It basically explores the depths of our human (even saved) condition and contrasts it with what God makes us into. The lyrics say it better than I can:

Resplendent riffraff
On our last legs
Fuel for the fire
Dust for the graves
Earth and sky
You and I
The glorious dregs

Aluminum foil
A crown for our heads
Faithless and loyal
To love we allege
Diamonds and leaves
You and me
The glorious dregs

Worthless and worthy
Like profane prophets we speak
Of vengeance and mercy
Of an eye for an eye
And turning the other cheek

Selfless and selfish
Alive and dead
Brothers and piglets
Blessings and plagues
Forgiven and cursed
The last, the first
The glorious dregs

Earth and sky
You and I
The glorious dregs

It sort of hits home the point that it's only God who can make me worth anything at all; and He does far more than that: He pulls me up to Heaven with Him and gives me His glory. But yet I still try to make something of myself without His help, and my best efforts are a joke.

The seventh song is called "Without Faith" by a band called ThouShaltNot. The basic premise of the songs seems to be taken from the famous passage in Corinthians about love, with faith substituted for love and some other ideas added in ... "Without faith I am nothing; to demand is to deny." I readily admit I don't understand this song much at all. It seems rather postmodern, full of grey areas, tortured thoughts, and a background of anger or defiance. I don't know if I really have grounds to complain about that, since my own thoughts are often way more convoluted than this.

The disconnect between that and the next song is so great I had to laugh when I first heard it. The eighth song is Twila Paris' "Faithful Men." A wonderful, simple call to "faithful men" to come do God's work. Full of references to Scriptural ideas and beautiful rhymes. It seems trite in a way, as it makes even "laying down your life to find it in the end" sound beautiful and easy. The few times I've actually tried laying down my life, it felt a lot more like the previous song than this one. Not that I object to the concept. Just to how easy she makes it sound.

The ninth and final song is yet again "O Come All Ye Faithful," this time as an instrumental track from an album of Celtic carols. What does it really mean to be "faithful"? It's such an overused concept that it can be deceptively hard to figure out. Do I have "faith" by being "faithful" to God in some way? Is it by having quiet times and being good like songs 2 and 4 potentially imply? Is it by being rosy-eyed and a little naive, like the 8th song might suggest? Is it by grappling tooth and nail with all the tough issues and things I don't understand, and getting knocked up in the fight, like the writers of song 7? All these things have definitely been part of my "faith" experience. But the concepts that ring truest with me lately are the ones in songs 6 and 5, respectively. For me they are rather intertwined, so I don't know which one to discuss first. The idea in 6 is that I have nothing of inherent value in me, and that if it weren't for God's grace it would stay that way forever. It's one thing to sarcastically (or depressedly) say that; I've done it many times. It's another thing to suddenly *see* myself in a way that makes me really *know* the truth of it. This has been happening to me a lot lately, and for me the result is always (a) an almost crippling sense of the humble position I am in, now that I can see it, and (b) a staggering awe of how overwhelming God's love and grace is towards me (not to mention His patience!) in dealing with me and putting up with me as I am. I guess that leads naturally to the idea in song 5, which is all about celebrating God's love and grace and *faithfulness* towards us.

So maybe, really, my "faith" is best expressed in simply holding on to the fact that God is *faithful* to me, whether I deserve it or not. There are lots of implications to this, such as the fact that He intends to do me good and not harm, and other such things ... all the quotes I've heard about "faith" growing up. But they're all summed up in this one idea. ...At nearly 5 am, that's good enough for me.

Good night, and good morning.

A New Low

Perhaps it should disturb me that I have just created a Facebook fan page for my cat. But then again, perhaps not. If a french fry or an onion ring is worthy of a fan page, surely my cat is more so? He doesn't care; he's staring at me with that look that says, "Aren't you going to feed me NOW?" Now he's smiling at me in hopes that I will see how much he loves me and how deserving his love is of an edible reward. So. If he will consent to grace the Internet, I guess I may as well consent to feed him. Therefore, no more. (For meow...)